Sochi: Should They Stay or Should They Go?

December 23, 2013
AP Photo/Yuri Kochertkov

After reading the news about Francois Hollande, President Vladimir urgently convened his cabinet:

“Yes, we can do the meeting without Dmitry at all.  Let him finished his game of Angry Birds” – growled the President before hanging up.

Five minutes later everyone was already in the room with their documents and pencil cases, someone even came with his recorder already turned on for fear of missing anything. The air was heavy.

“So all this money, investments, constructions, all were in vain? What does that mean? What have you been doing in Brussels then?” Vladimir Vladimirovich shouted to Sergei Lavrov.

“Well, may be there’s a thing, Mr. President, maybe they did not boycott us, and it’s just the effect of the politics of austerity,” suggested quietly the foreign minister. “Do you remember Nicolas Sarkozy while president did not attend the Beijing Olympics either.”

“Listen, Serezha, we’re not talking about China, we’re talking about a democratic country! About Russia, got it ?” shouted again the President.

“Mr. President, what else should we have done? Greenpeace activists have been released, the Pussy Riot girls are pardoned. Maybe we should give them Snowden?” suggested the Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu.

Suddenly the door opened slightly and a plump hand appeared first, then someone’s little nose slipped through a crack. Everyone turned. And without looking up, the president said: “Dmitry, I said no already. No, I don’t have a charger for the iPhone 5S” . The door slammed shut.

“And what if we … let’s say… what if we cut off gas delivery to this nasty François Hollande?” said Dmitry Rogozin pensively.

“Enough with your stupid threats. Angela Merkel has already responded to your jokes.” Lavrov whispered “I’ll have to work with them still.”

“I propose we ban French adoption of Russian orphans!”, – said the children’s ombudsman Astakhov, who then took a quick selfie with the President and immediately posted it on Twitter.

“We did it already,” said Lavrov. “They do not like it.”

The face of Vladimir Putin became grey: “We cannot give our children to a country where they allow same sex-marriage! What a crazy idea – mariage pour tous- never in Russia such a disgusting things will be allowed. They should be grateful that we don’t send people to prison for this like in the good old days.”

President Putin stood up and walked to the wall with the pictures of all the heads of State he had ever met. He angrily took off the one with François Hollande, looked at it frowning and very ragefully tore the picture into small pieces. The President started the countdown: ” 3, 2, 1, 0. Lift off!” He then threw the pieces in the air , breathed deeply, and went back to the round table.

“What will you say in your perfect English, Vitaly Mutko, from the bottom of your heart? As minister of sport do you have something smart to offer maybe? Or you think I should open these damned Olympics alone?” the Russia President banged on the table. “And who will see how I jump from a helicopter? I can do it better than the Queen ! And who will see how I can retrieve new amphoras from the bottom of the Olympic pool? We get them specifically from a historical museum in Greece. They say there is still olive oil left inside! And I wanted so much to go out on the tatami mat…” sighed Vladimir Vladimirovich.

The door opened. The prime minister tiptoed in. He looked happy and smiling as usual, in his hands he still had a pack M&Ms. “Want some?” asked Medvedev as he handed the yellow pack to Lavrov. The pack only held red, white and blue candies.

Then he sat down, leaning back in his chair, threw with his thumb two candies in the air and quickly caught them in his mouth, one after another.

Then Medvedev pulled out his unfinished bottle of cherry Coke , took a couple of sips and threw the bottle in the trash across the room. “Ha! Nothing but net! Obama at Camp David taught me how to score!” exclaimed the Prime Minister as he proudly looked at everybody in the room. “By the way, Obama just called me.”

Around the room, everyone was suddenly sitting on the edge of their seat. The President tried to frown, but in vain. His forehead betrayed him. It refused to frown. The day before, the President had had new botox injections.

“Obama told me that he would not attend the Olympics.  He needs to sort out the Obamacare mess, so he can’t come,” – Medvedev grinned “Why are you guys so tense? – I don’t understand. Well, they will not attend, so what? I already emailed Bashar an invitation. I hope that weirdo changed his password. And Yanukovich, Nazarbayev, Lukashenko and Kim Jong-Un have already promised they would be with us for the Games . So everything is fine, bro!”

Vladimir Putin fainted. Lavrov started calling the doctor, but his cell phone was no longer working: “Is there anyone with a charger for iPhone 5s?”. Dmitry Medvedev laughed as he left the room. “I’ll be back. Hasta la vista, baby,” was heard saying as the door closed.